Missing Glyphs
by Anima Flamma
Summary: Looky! Two new chapters! I get a new muse and throw a party, and there are parodies galore ((well, kind of))!
1. Disclaimer

Hi, It's me again! I'm back from a /very\ long bout of the dreaded Writer's Block * kicks aforementioned block* Unfortunately, all I could come up with happens to be short funny segments, with nothing in common with my other fic "Caretaker".  
  
Just to clear everything up: Disclaimer: All objects, themes, things, various pointy stuff ... and ... oh yeah, any characters belong to their respective owners: i.e. I don't own Legacy of Kain.  
  
Raziel: * walks into the white space before the ficcy* Now, how about an explanation?  
  
Me: Certainly. This, * waves hand at the other chapters* is going to be a collection of fanfics, that may or may not relate to each other, and be about whatever I want, with whoever I want.  
  
Raziel: * thwacks soulfire upside the head* No! I'm talking about why me?! And why the stupid title?! That has to be the most pathetic title you came up with so far. What's it suppose to mean? You should have called it 'A Few Fries Short of a Happy Meal' or 'Soulfire's Not Working With a Full Deck of Cards Anymore' or ...  
  
Me: * interrupting* Actually, it stands for 'A Few Glyphs Short of a Full Glyph Menu'. It's the same Glyph Menu you used in SR1. And it also happens to be the name of the first chapter. And I can't find Kain. I think he's hiding.  
  
Raziel: * muttering* I wonder why.  
  
Me: Anyway, on with the stories! 


	2. Missing Glyphs

I don't need to add a disclaimer here do I? Of course you read the 1st chapter.  
  
  
  
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A long time ago, or some time in the far future, or the near future, or maybe it was the immediate past? Who can tell with all this time streaming going on? Any way, it was some time between the ending of SR1 but before the beginning of SR2. You know, after that annoying cliffhanger that was similar to the one in SR2, but with the longer game and the not as brightly colored Reaver, and before the beautiful movie that started the other one. I'm not sure how it happened, because it is suppose to be the same scene in both games. Regardless of how, it did take place.  
  
The card game I mean. Raziel, Kain, Moebius and Hash'ak'git were playing a Nosgothic card game that has rules that involve centuries to just learn the rules. Just be assured that it involves LOTS of gambling. It was outlawed when the Sarafan were in control, however many times that was, but sense Kain was now the Supreme Ruler of Nosgoth, he also liked supreme pizzas and sandwiches for lunch but that's beside the point, he decided to relegalize the game and make it mandatory for everyone to play it on Tuesday, except for himself. And since he had the best method of cheating, and yes there is a LOT of cheating, he usually walks away with a whole new wardrobe that he then sells at a local mall for 1000000000000000 times profit.  
  
During one such game on one such Tuesday, Kain folded his cards down.  
  
Kain: Enough of the monologue, get to our dialog!  
  
Shut up! I'm telling the story my way and either you like it or you leave it! * they get up to leave* Hey! Where are you going?! I promise to stop! * they walk to the door* SIT DOWN!  
  
All: Epp! * run to their chairs*  
  
NOW WE'RE GOING TO START OVER AND GET THIS DONE RIGHT! * clears throat* As I was saying ... During one such game on one such Tuesday, Kain folded his cards down.  
  
Kain: That's it, I'm done for the night. * grabs the huge pile of his amassed gatherings, including Moebius's staff ^_^, off the table* That's the end of my winning streak. If I continue to play, I might lose my pants. * Many would-be-blackmailers and fangirls sigh in regret. Maybe next Tuesday. *  
  
Hash'ak'git: * laughs* You just know that's what the fangirls want. Good- night Kain. See you tomorrow.  
  
It is not well known that Hash'ak'git and Kain are really the best of friends, and they had concocted the entire series just because Kain was feeling neglected. Yes, that is what happens when you let a world leader get too bored, so please keep your pet world leader happy: get him a squeaky chew toy.  
  
Moebius: * staring at me like he wished I was the afore-mentioned chew toy* Stop with the annoying monologs and let us get this over with!  
  
Fine. I'll stop. You get no narration from this point on.  
  
Moebius: As I was saying ... * clears his throat* Where are you going?! We need you for the game.  
  
Kain: You know that you don't need 4 players in the game. * goes home to greet Umah whose waiting in the bedroom*  
  
Raziel: Finally he's gone. Maybe now I can win something.  
  
later  
  
Raziel: * groan* I'm outa money. Moebius, lend me some? Please?  
  
Moebius: No way! Get your own!  
  
Raziel: But you won all of mine!  
  
Hash: Then go bug your daddy for some money!  
  
Raziel: * runs toward Kain's bedroom door* ... * runs even more* ... * and some more* almost there ... * huff huff* * collapses half way down the hall way* ...Ugh... * gets back up and runs some more*.... Made it! * bangs on Kain's bedroom door* Kain!  
  
Kain: * opens the door a crack* G'way! I'm busy! * slams the door on Raziel's face*  
  
Raziel: * holding his face* Kain! Loan me some money, will ya? I've got a great hand and ...  
  
Kain: * through the door* NO! GO GET A JOB OR SOMETHING! Now where were we Umah?  
  
Raziel: * walks away and kicks at a stone, then gets an idea* soulfire! Loan me some money, please? I'm sure I'll win and be able to pay you back soooooo ...  
  
Forget it! You didn't like my narrating. And if you're so sure you'll win, why don't you bet your glyphs?  
  
Raziel: Great idea! * runs back to the gaming table. Moebius and Hash edge away from Raziel's cards and whistle innocently* I'm back in!  
  
Hash: * sly smile* Great. Now what's you bet?  
  
Raziel: This! * and with a huge flourish, dumps his Sun Glyph onto the pile* Ha! Beat that! * spreads his cards on the table*  
  
Moebius: I win! Yeah! A whole new way to kill vampires!  
  
Hash: * stifling his laughter* Another hand, Raziel?  
  
Raziel: I didn't like that glyph any way. * sniff sniff* It was just a little bad luck. I'll bet my ... uh ... my Sound Glyph.  
  
Moebius: That's just a hunk of junk!  
  
Hash: It lasts about 3 seconds and has a range about the size of a penny. You'll have to do better than that.  
  
Raziel: Fine. I'll throw in my Water Glyph. * the hands are dealt and Raziel losses both the glyphs*  
  
Moebius: Wo-ho! * dances around* "Just a little bad luck"? * singing* I think not!  
  
Raziel: * falls out of his chair* AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY POOR WOUNDED EYES!  
  
Hash: Sit down Moebius before I have Mortanius kill you.  
  
* several hands and glyphs later*  
  
Raziel: NO! You can't take my Shift Glyph! I need my Shift Glyph! The Elder God will kill me if I lose it again!  
  
Moebius: Fork it over, loser.  
  
Hash: /You\ bet it.  
  
Raziel: I'll do anything! Anything! Just don't take my Shift Glyph!  
  
* Moebius and Hash put their heads together and talk quietly, occasionally glancing up at Raziel and snickering*  
  
Hash: * desperately trying to fight off the giggles* Fine. Do one thing, one teeny, tiny little thing, in fact it's so insignificant that you won't even notice it, and we'll let you keep your Shift Glyph ...  
  
* Raziel listens with growing horror and debates if begging the Elder God for another Shift Glyph would be so bad, then he remembers what happened last time, and decides that this is better, far better*  
  
  
  
Raziel: * gets into position* Are you sure ...?  
  
Hash: Just do it. Ready ... * throws open the door* ... GO!  
  
* Raziel darts into the room wearing a pink tutu, pink plastic crown (one of the really tacky ones), and holding an equally tacky wand with a light up star on top. Screams can be heard from the inside*  
  
Raziel: * from inside the room* I AM THE TACKY PINK FAIRY OF CHASTITY! I HAVE COME TO LECTURE YOU ON THE EVILS OF SEX!  
  
Kain: * also inside the room* RAZZZZZZIIIIIIIEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Raziel: * very scared* Oh $#*%!  
  
Umah: * very annoyed* Get him!  
  
* various screams and obscenities can be heard ... as well as the sound of someone having the $#*% beat out of him*  
  
Moebius: * holding a video recorder* This is too good!  
  
  
  
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Raziel: * holding a pack of ice to his much abused head* At least you didn't show what happened with the Elder God.  
  
Me: No ... *gets an idea* Hey readers and other authors out there! I'm turning over the right to write what happened about that /little incident\ to you. I'd love to see what you think happened. E-mail it to me and I'll post it as the next chapter, or just post it yourself.  
  
Raziel: Why me?  
  
Me: 'Cause I /still\ have Writer's Block and this was all I could think of to write. Reviews are very welcome ... One other thing, would shoutouts be considered interactive? 


	3. Die, Writer's Block!

Hello all! Do you like my new penname? "Anima Flamma" is Latin for "soulfire". AF for short. At least that's what my grandma says. Latin is cool! ^_____^ Vae Victus! *laughs* Okay, shout outs to:  
  
dizzy: hysterical is good, And I can't believe you've never heard of LoK before. I told you about it before, but you must have forgot. And thanks for putting me on your favorites list!  
  
Wise Man Domingo: Thanks for putting me on your favorites list! ^_____^ * laughing* And that's why I don't bet. I like to keep my stuff. ^_^ I /will\ check out & review your ficcy, just give me a little time. (I haven't gotten much time to read anything lately, 'cause of school Grrrrrrrrr)  
  
Silveriss: If anyone questions me, I'll say that shout outs are suggestions I've decided to incorporate into my story. Please don't cry, I'll give you a lollypop if you don't. Isn't this a nice way to get over Writer's Block? I now have to juggle updates for /3\ fics now. Why don't you go read them?  
  
Legendary Dark Knight Sparda: * tackles and huggles* You're still here! I thought you would leave after that ... incident. It's a shame yours got taken off too.  
  
HealerAriel: Thank you soooooooo much for reviewing! It's the first review I got of this fic and it really brightened my mood. (I thought I was being ignored) And Raziel will continue to be humiliated! ^___________^  
  
Raziel: That last chapter was humiliating! What are you going to do with me now?!  
  
AF: Actually, I had a present for you, but sense you are here, you can help me fight the evil Writer's Block!  
  
Raziel: ... block?! * tries to run away*  
  
AF: * snags him by the wings* Not so fast! I need you hold this. * thwacks him with a huge first aid kit* Now stay here. DIE EVIL OPPRESSIVE WRITER'S BLOCK! DIE! * runs off screen*  
  
Raziel: * watching the fight* That's it! Kick it! Bite it! Hit it! Nonononono! Watch out it's right behind you! Turnturnturn! Hit it! Oooooohhhh, you missed! Getitgetitgetit! No! Don't let it do that to you! Oh, that's gotta hurt! Watch those sharp edges! Oh no! I can't look! * covers his eyes*  
  
AF: * is thrown back on screen*AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  
  
Raziel: * opens the first aid kit and rummages around* Why can't you use your Author Power to destroy it?  
  
AF: * seriously injured* Because Writer's Block has the ability to make Author Power ineffective. And I can't find my possessed squirt gun. I think it ran away.  
  
Raziel: ... yeah. I'm sure that's just the concussion talking. * wraps AF up like a mummy* Now go get that Writer's Block! * throws her off screen* Kill it!  
  
* various screams and muffled explosions can be heard, followed by AF running back onto screen*  
  
AF: *huff huff* Stupid * huff* evil *huff* Block! * runs off screen on the other side*  
  
Raziel: Now what's she up to ...?  
  
AF: * runs back onscreen wearing an entire arsenal of weapons, and says in a sing-song tone* I raided Dante's weapons catch! Muhahahahahahahahahaha!!! * runs off screen toward the Block* DIE! Muhahahahaha!  
  
* /enormous\ explosions rock the screen, followed by fire balls. A final huge explosion rocks the screen*  
  
Raziel: That did /not\ sound good ... * hears a whistling sound and looks up, just in time to see ...* Uh, oh. * ... the Writer's Block fall out of the sky and onto his head*  
  
AF: * waltzes onscreen* You again?! I thought I told you it vamoose! * pokes it with Alastor* Git!  
  
* the Block shoots off screen, reveling a very squashed Raziel*  
  
Raziel: ... ow ...  
  
AF: Oh, you poor thing! I'll fix you all up! * runs to the first aid kit*  
  
Raziel: * looking slightly panicked* That's ok, I'm fine really!  
  
AF: Nonsense, quit acting so brave! Hold still ... * dumps the entire bottle of iodine on the cuts on his arm*  
  
Raziel: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *gets up and runs around, screaming and holding his arm* IT BURNS! IT BURNS! OH THE PAIN!  
  
AF: Knock it off, you wuss.  
  
Dante: * runs on screen, chased by Marionettes* Give me back my weapons!  
  
AF: Oh, $#^%. * runs off screen, followed by Dante, the Marionettes, and Fred the Sluagh (now where did he come from?). Unfortunately, the use of a forbidden word has knocked Raziel unconscious, and he is trampled*  
  
some time later  
  
Raziel: * sits up* Wha-? Why am I covered in footprints? Where's that insane authoress when ...? * looks behind him and notices the chase* ... Ooooookkkkkaaaayyyyyy ... Sense Anima Flamma is otherwise occupied, I guess I'll end this chapter.  
  
* the screen goes blank, and just before the reader (you), goes to make a review (you are going to, aren't you?) they hear "No! That's my job! I'm the Authoress and /I\ end the chapters!" and then the sound cuts out* 


	4. Fun with Rubik's Cube

*Anima Flamma and Raziel are standing in pre-ficcy blankness. (great opening sentence, isn't it? Note the heavy sarcasm) *  
  
Raziel: You said you had a present for me in the last chapter!  
  
AF: ... I was hoping you wouldn't remember that.  
  
Raziel: Well?!  
  
AF: I'll get to it. First, let me dub you my muse!  
  
Raziel: What?! * tries to run away*  
  
AF: * creates a brick wall right in front of him, causing massive head injury* Hehehe. * walks over to Raziel and kicks him* Get up.  
  
Raziel: * still slightly stunned, but standing ... barely* ... why me?  
  
AF: 'cause my other muse ran away. Now ... * official tones* .. Raziel, I, Authoress Anima Flamma, do hear by dub thee my second muse. But I still don't own you. * to the sky* Are you happy now?! * the sue-happy people looked up, and read the disclaimer, and it was good (so my butt doesn't get sued * blows a raspberry*)*  
  
Raziel: * can't quite come to terms* ... other muse?  
  
AF: You remember the possessed squirt gun from BO2 bloopers, don't you? (read my bio if you don't) Well, that is my first muse. It kinda ran away. * shouts* If any author is reading this, feel free to use the possessed squirt gun, just give me a hint of where it is, okay? In fact, I encourage you to use it. Maybe then I can find the inappropriate comment deleted by Raziel the muse thing. What?!  
  
Raziel: * nasty laugh* As a muse, I can make you post faster, right?  
  
AF: * looking slightly worried* Yes.  
  
Raziel: That also means I can edit the language, or /your\ language if I so choose. * evil laugh* If I want, I can make it so /all\ your comments are deleted. Now, what about my present?  
  
AF: * wondering just what the inappropriate comment deleted by Raziel she got herself into* ... Yeah, let me get it ... * digs through pockets* ... could have sworn I put it there ... * finally resorts to opening a plot hole and is hit in the face with a pie for her trouble* ... not again! * groan* ... I left it in my room!  
  
Raziel: Then let's go! * they teleport into AF's room* Whoa! You live in the Spectral Realm!  
  
* AF's room has no less than - I kid you not - 6 walls that are blue. (similar to most of the rooms in the Spectral Realm) The ceiling is divided into 3 different parts, light blue with dragon posters, and a skylight. One of the walls is covered in LoK pictures. The only other things worth mentioning are the bed, computer, and TV. Let's just ignore the mess that hides the floor right now, shall we? (this is my /actual\ room^_^)*  
  
AF: Not really. It's got to be here somewhere. * dives into one of the mess piles*  
  
Raziel: Don't you ever clean your room?  
  
AF: * pops out of the pile and moves to the next one* Of course. I cleaned it last weekend. It just never stays that way. Didn't yours? And watch out for George.  
  
Raziel: * thinking of the rescue teams that disappeared in his room* Nope. * a large tentacle reaches out from under the bed and grabs him* AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  
  
AF: * very cross* George, drop! *the tentacle lets go and slithers back under the bed*  
  
Raziel: What was that?!  
  
AF: Mom always said something would grow under there.  
  
Raziel: Did you find it yet? * hops gingerly onto the bed, and sits down. A large black /thing\ promptly attacks him* AHHHH! GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME!  
  
AF: * comes over and peals a cat off Raziel* Raziel, meet my pet cat Raz. Raz, meet your namesake Raziel. * drops Raz onto Raziel's lap*  
  
Raziel: Umph! What a big cat! (Raz actual weighs 15 pounds)  
  
Raz: * purrs* * translation: Oh, good. Dinner.*  
  
Raziel: * scared. Apparently he can understand Cat. Who would have guessed?* Find it yet?  
  
AF: * jumps out of yet another ceiling high pile* Got it! * teleports them into the Sanctuary of the Clans*  
  
Raziel: * whining and jumping up and down* Gimme gimme gimme! * notices the others* ???  
  
* Sebastian is still wearing his pink dress (yet another BO2 blooper gag. I miss it so much! *sobs*), Marcus, and Faustus are sitting on Kain to keep him there, Moebius is sitting in a corner crying about who-knows-what, and a young saraphim is flying around the ceiling*  
  
Raziel: * whispering* Why are they * points to Sabby and co.* here?  
  
AF: * whispers back* I threatened them with the possessed squirt gun. They don't know It's gone yet, and it /better\ stay that way.  
  
* Raziel rethinks his plan to overthrow AF with their help and control the fic*  
  
AF: Gather around one and all! I have a new game for you to play! It's called Team-Playing-With-a-Rubik's-Cube or I-Want-To-See-Several-Very-PO'ed- Vampires-and-Time-Streamer-Not-To-Mention-A-Soul-Reaver-Get-Into-A-Fight- For-No-Good-Reason. * collapses on Kain's throne out of breath. Then sits up and throws the Cube at Raziel*  
  
Raziel: AAAAAHHHHHH! Get it away! * hides behind the young saraphim*  
  
AF: On second thought ... * motions the young saraphim over* Sit by me, Janos. I don't want you to get hurt. * Janos grins and blows a raspberry at the others before sitting on one of the throne's arms*  
  
Raziel: But what about me?!  
  
AF: You're my muse. You have to play. 'sides, this is your present. * the others back away from Raziel as if he has the plague* The rules are simple. You take one turn, then pass it to the next vic- I mean player. * takes the Cube and gives it several twists, thereby making it impossible to put back to the way it was*  
  
All but AF and Janos: * Noooooo! * groan*  
  
AF: Who's first?  
  
Raziel: Me!  
  
Moebius: Mmmmmeweeeeeeeeee! * all stare* What?  
  
Sebastian: Mine!  
  
Kain: * tries to sneak out the door, but AF summons an Author Barrier. No one except an Author can cross ... and running into one /hurts\* OW! * cries and whimpers, then hides behind the throne*  
  
Marcus: I should go first to give you weak-minded losers an example that you can strive to follow.  
  
Faustus: * has also noticed the Author Barrier, and has bounced across the room as a result* The pain!  
  
Raziel: I go first 'cause I'm the muse! * end of argument. He picks up the cube and twists it*  
  
Sebastian: * untwists Raziel's move* Wrong direction!  
  
Faustus: * copies Raziel's move*  
  
Moebius: Let me! *grabs the cube and attempts to move one square to the other side*  
  
All players: CHEATER! * they all smack him* Owies. * crawls behind the throne*  
  
Kain: My hiding spot! *throws Moebius onto Sebastian*  
  
Sebastian: You got mud on my dress! *thwacks the Time Streamer*  
  
*and so on and so on ...*  
  
many hours later  
  
* the boys have finally managed to organize themselves so that it /looks\ like they might solve the Cube. We can't have that now, can we?*  
  
AF: * gets a twisted idea* Kain? Why don't you go join them?  
  
Kain: * sulking* They won't let me.  
  
AF: They better. Hey guys! If you don't let Kain play, I'll sic the possessed squirt gun on you! And throw Raziel back into the Abyss!  
  
* low and behold, they let Kain join in the fun and reindeer games.*  
  
Kain: My turn! * smiles, laughs, and with one twist, undoes /all\ their hard work.*  
  
* Faustus punches Kain in the face giving him a bloody nose. Kain swings back, but misses and hits Marcus. Marcus turns and thwacks Sebastian, apparently for a nasty thought, and Raziel kicks Moebius.*  
  
AF: Finally! I knew I could count on Kain to start a fight! * notices Janos looking* No! You can't watch! I need you to be sweet and innocent for my other ficcy! *teleports him into a /huge\ entertainment room with the entire LoK series* That aught to keep him sweet and innocent!  
  
* While the reader was distracted by the Authoress's little speech, Moebius had kicked Kain in the groin. Kain promptly fell over and curled into a fetal position, while knocking over Raziel. This PO'ed Raziel off, so he summoned the wraith blade and swung at Moebius. Moebius brought out his stupid staff and disabled the wraith blade then whacked Raziel over the head, knocking him out.  
  
* Sebastian noticed that the puny human took out both Kain and Raziel, so he decides to attack with his Dark Gift. However, Moebius saw him coming and disabled Sebastian's Berserk. Then Sebastian tripped and slid across the highly waxed floor, courtesy of Turel's chores, and hit his head on Raziel's thick skull, knocking himself out.  
  
* Faustus decided it wasn't nice of Moebius to do that to his big brother, so he jump-attacked him. Unfortunately for Faustus, Moebius saw it coming and dodged while disabling poor Faustus's Dark Gift. Faustus continued to sail across the room ... and into the wall, knocking down Dumah's sign. Now you know what happened to it. Unfortunately, that was also where the pile of unconscious vampires (and one Soul Reaver) is. Even more unfortunate, Dumah's sign was knocked loose. It fell and crushed them.  
  
* Marcus took one look inside Moebius's mind and keeled over*  
  
Moebius: * lecherous grin at AF* Now my dear, for you.  
  
AF: * squeaks and tries to use Author Powers* What did you do to my Author Powers, you ugly old man?!  
  
Moebius: * slightly crestfallen* You're not going to call me evil?  
  
AF: Kain is evil. You're just ugly. And old. I doubt the man part though.  
  
Moebius: My good friend Writer's Block disabled your Author Powers. And now I'll prove the man part personally!  
  
* AF screams and runs away, and Moebius chases. AF climbs on top of the Balance Pillar and pulls out a cell phone*  
  
Moebius: Come down from there!  
  
* AF takes off her shoe and throws it at him. Sense she couldn't hit the broad side of ... a really broad thing, the shoe misses and hits Raziel in the head, who was just staggering to his feet*  
  
Raziel: *THWACK* Oh, look at the purddy stars ... * back in la-la land*  
  
AF: * decides outside help would be in order, and dials the cell phone* Yes, it's an emergency! No I can't hold!  
  
Moebius: I can hear you!  
  
*AF whispers into the phone*  
  
Moebius: Come down! * tries to climb up*  
  
AF: No! * glides across the room as the wall begins to bow* Hehehe.  
  
Moebius: What? * he is now confronted by two mysteries: the now winged Authoress and the very curved wall. Fortunately for him, he won't have to strain his brain for much longer*  
  
AF: * the wall explodes* Muhahaha! * Magnus lumbers through the wreck* Sic him Magnus!  
  
Magnus: Meat!  
  
the following scene has been deleted to spare the sensibilities ... and the stomach of the reader   
  
AF: Down, boy! * Magus sits* Look at this! * shudders while thinking "serves him right" and mentally laughing* This needs to be picked up. * uses now-fully operational Author Power to clean the room, restore consciousness to the unconscious, and resurrect Moebius, while adding a shock collar*  
  
Kain: * sits up* Magnus! * Magnus bounds over and gives Kain doggy kisses*  
  
Faustus: How sweet!  
  
Sebastian: * covering his face, somehow his dress stayed clean thru out the fight* I don't know him, he's not my older brother, we never met.  
  
Marcus: * whimpers while reading Magnus's mind* He wants to /EAT\ us!  
  
Raziel: * looking at AF* How did you get him here?  
  
AF: I'm friends with some of the wardens at the Eternal Prison. * pushes the button on Moebius's remote controlled collar. He screams*  
  
Raziel: * now staring at AF* And how long are you keeping him?  
  
AF: * pushes the button and listens to Moebius scream* Don't know. * remembers Janos* !!! * teleports Janos into the room*  
  
* Janos is picking at his chest and is bleeding*  
  
All: ?!  
  
Raziel: What are you doing?!  
  
Janos: * innocuously* I was playing Blood Omen and Kain kept finding Hearts of Darkness, so I must have more than 1. I want to see how many I have.  
  
AF: ... Kain ... no I don't trust you, * mentally compares the others* Faustus, you seem like the lesser of many evils. Why don't you take him over to Sharri so she can show him the X-ray machine in her lab? * Janos and Faustus leave*  
  
Raziel: Come on, we have to go.  
  
AF: * mashes the button and laughs at Moebius* Where? * Raziel glares* Oh. Bye everyone! See you next time! * they shudder* What was that?! * they instantly turn into smiles and cheerfulness* I left a copy of Moebius's shock collar control on the throne in case you get bored. * there is a huge rush for the control and much sinister laughter as AF teleports herself and Raziel to the blankness of the pre/post-fic world*  
  
Raziel: First, you have to do your shout outs. Then I have a few questions...  
  
AF: * grumbling* Yeah, yeah. * happy again* Shout outs to:  
  
  
  
Wise Man Domingo: * tackles and hugs* Thankyouthankyouthankyou! ^______^ You reviewed my poem! I wish practice-writing projects helped. All they do for me is make me frustrated. A Devil May Cry parody does sound like a good idea. You should do one. I keep asking Raziel, but, well, just watch. First some simple questions. What is your favorite color?  
  
Raziel: Blue. Duh.  
  
AF: * holding a heavily spiked mace* Who's you favorite author?  
  
Raziel: * gulp* ... y-you?  
  
AF: Very good! Now, what happened when you lost your Shift Glyph. * Raziel begins to twitch and whimper* Did you get anything out of that? It happens every time. Maybe I'm asking the wrong questions?  
  
  
  
dizzy: Thax! See you soon.  
  
  
  
Silveriss: Fun to watch, I assume. It wasn't fun to do the actual battle. Maybe I should get a stunt double. I like my name too^_^  
  
  
  
Venris: Bible Salesmen?! Hope this wasn't too long of a wait.  
  
  
  
Raziel: * recovers* Now the question. Where did you get wings?!  
  
AF: * looking at them* Don't know. But they're cool, aren't they? I've decided to let my Authoress persona develop independent of the real world. ^_^ So shape changes are to be expected.  
  
Raziel: ... Okay. Just don't let Kain stand behind you.  
  
AF: To my readers: If you review this story, you get a Moebius shock collar remote. If you review one of my other stories and mention it, you get your choice of pointy or blunt objects. If you review my poem ... you get your choice of pointy or blunt object X2 /plus\ 5 minuets in a room alone with any LoK character!  
  
Raziel: You're bribing your readers?!  
  
AF: * shrug* It worked before. Also, is there any author reading this who's interested in a collaboration? Please?  
  
Raziel: Enough begging. You know they never respond.  
  
AF: * sigh* I know. * sniffle*  
  
Raziel: And shouldn't you be doing your math homework? Go. Do. Now.  
  
* AF blows a raspberry and walks off the screen as it fades to black* 


	5. Flying Lessons

AF: I want to apologize for my obscene length between updates. My entire apology is located in my user lookup. Before you continue reading, I just want to know: does anyone remember me? * silence* Anyone?!  
  
* a cricket chirps, then squelches as Raziel accidentally-on-purpose steps on it*  
  
Raziel: * wipes his foot off with a handy Moebius before dropkicking the old pervert away* Ewwwwww. My foot's recontaminated again. Maybe it'll mutate or something. * looks at his foot. He looks at the authoress. He goes back to looking at his foot, then he remembers there's some one else present and slowwwwlllyyy, looks at the authoress * Hell-Oh no. * sigh* You finally found the time to write another one. * SIGH* Before we do anything stupid or insane, do the shout out thing.  
  
AF: Shout outs to:  
  
1: Thank you for reviewing! Maybe next time you will use some words? Or maybe some symbols are to your liking? "^_^" is always a good one.  
  
VladimirsAngel: Thanx for the recipe and the review! I offered to make it for one of my school's dances, but they said no. I wonder why?  
  
Venris: I did read! And I think I reviewed too! About the collaboration thing, go to neopets.com and sign up (its free) and neomail me. My username is "anima_flamma" and 'cause I'm usually there when my computer is behaving. We can talk about it. (don't bother e-mailing, I never check that.)  
  
Light in dark places: I'm glad you thought this was funny! ^_^ Unfortunately, I've decided to /temporarily\ discontinue BO2 bloopers. It will be back eventually ... I'm just not writing that now. And sorry about tipping your muses off about their powers. You just need to keep them whipped!  
  
Wise Man Domingo: Glad to see you're getting that much enjoyment out of your remote! I actually managed to get 1 side the same color, before it got retwisted -_-;; Oh well.  
  
Silveriss: When you're done, we can work on that collaboration. Like I told Venris, go to neopets.com and neomail (anima_flamma) me. Maybe all of us can even work together!  
  
Raziel: Good girl. * pats AF on the head and hands her a treat* I hope the sugar won't give you any ideas.  
  
AF: * the exemplar of innocence* Who, /me\? * looks at her bare wrist. We really must be going now. Poof!  
  
* they are teleported into Raziel's clan territory*  
  
AF: Love the music. * smiles and plops down in front of the fire*  
  
Raziel: * waving his arms around* That's it?! No crazy adventures, no plans to hurt anyone, nothing?! Nothing after your long retreat from writing your insane fanfics?!  
  
AF: Not now, no. * so Raziel can't hear* However, I do have something planned later ...  
  
later  
  
AF: Raziel? * he's dozing by the wall* Raziel? * no response* Raziel?! * still no response* RAZIEL! * a hand appears and whacks him*  
  
Raziel: AAAAAHHHHH! * jumps* What?! Is the Sarafan Army invading?! Did Kain find out who slipped him the laxative?! Did Fife come back?! * notices AF staring at him* WHAT DO YOU WANT?!  
  
AF: The fire's burning low.  
  
Raziel: Fine! I'll get something to feed it. * storms off, then storms on* I hope this makes you happy! * dumps a Dumahim into the fire* Are you happy now? * AF just smiles*  
  
later  
  
AF: Raziel?  
  
Raziel: What?  
  
AF: Raziel?  
  
Raziel: * annoyed* What?  
  
AF: Raziel?  
  
Raziel: * angry* What?!  
  
AF: Raziel?  
  
Raziel: * if he had blood pressure, it would reach astronomical numbers* WHAT?!  
  
AF: Could you teach me to fly?  
  
Raziel: ... you do remember who you're talking to, don't you? * lifts his ragged wing tips*  
  
AF: You /had\ wings. And you do /now\.  
  
Raziel: * turns around trying to look at his restored wings* Couldn't you have restored me all the way?  
  
AF: I chose not to. 'sides, you lose your wings again at the end of the chapter. Now start those lessons!  
  
Raziel: Right. ... Uh, first you climb on top of the stone platform, * waits until AF is there* ... uh, spread your wings ... * AF does so* Your wings look different.  
  
AF: * spreads all 6 of her wings* That's because there are /more\. What now?  
  
Raziel: Now you ... now you ... um ...uh... ah ... * notices AF's impatient look* Now you jump off and beat your wings. * crosses his claws and hopes it works*  
  
* the result is spectacular. AF crashes to the ground with a bone-jarring thud. Raziel looks around and runs away ... into a relocated brick wall*  
  
AF: * gets up* Why you little massive amounts have been deleted so as to spare the poor reader their minds. But Raziel got /all\ of it! Raziel: Be glad I decided to censor this for you!  
  
Raziel: Well what did you expect?! I've never flown in my un-life!  
  
AF: Oh. * here's where the sugar induced idea mentioned earlier comes out* Let's go find Janos! He can teach both of us!  
  
Raziel: Hello? Nosgoth to AF! We are about /several millennia\ late!  
  
AF: And I've got a Time Streamer. * teleports Raziel, the collared Moebius, and herself into one of the many conveniently located Time streaming chambers. Look for one around a corner near you!* Now where did I put that remote ...? * opens a plot hole and gets a pie in the face ... again* This is getting old fast. * Raziel wordlessly pulls the remote from his cowl and gives it to her*  
  
Moebius: * shaking* What are you going to do to me?  
  
AF: I don't know yet. What /you're\ gong to do is send us to go see Janos. Before the Sarafan purges. Sometime after the raising of the Pillars.* shoves Moebius into a wall*  
  
Raziel: *to himself* This seems familiar ...  
  
Moebius: But don't you want to kill Kain first?  
  
AF: No.  
  
Raziel: * to himself* It's on the tip of my non-existent tongue ... * as Moebius sets the coordinates, Raziel has an epiphany* How are we going to make sure he sends us to the right time?  
  
AF: I got this. * presses the control button. Moebius screams and fixes the coordinates* And we're bringing him with us.  
  
Raziel & Moebius: WHAT?!  
  
AF: How else are we going to operate the stupid machine? Unlike you, I actually have foresight.  
  
Raziel: Foresight? What about your art project? Or should I say ... projects? * rolls the "s"*  
  
AF: * thwacks him* Never speak of it again.  
  
Raziel:* mutters* @#%^ perfectionist.  
  
AF: I'll ignore that only because you're my muse. This is your one and only warning. Everybody ready? No? Too bad. * twists the dial* Let's go!  
  
several millennia earlier  
  
AF: * gag hack wheeze* What did you eat?! * dives out the door* Fresh air! * gasp*  
  
Raziel: * staggers out and trips over AF, landing heavily on her* I can't * gasp* breathe!  
  
Moebius: * sulking* They served bean tacos for lunch.  
  
AF: *stands up, shivering* It's c-c-cold! *starts turning into an author- icle*  
  
Raziel: *looks over at his Authoress and sighs* We better get to Janos's aerie fast. * thinks "If she freezes, I'm stuck here with the old freak"* Come on. * walks northward*  
  
Moebius: * finds the author-icle hilarious* Tehehehehehehe!  
  
AF: S-s-s-so c-c-c-old!  
  
* Raziel knocks over one of the Sarafan flags (now frozen solid) and attaches reigns to it. He then attaches the other ends to Moebius's collar. He then picks up AF and puts her on the flag. Remembering something, he pulls out a red ball from his cowl and sticks it on Moebius's nose. By the time Raziel has turned, the flag had turned into a very familiar red sleigh*  
  
Raziel: Don't you think Santa will miss his sleigh? He will need it again eventually, and you have trouble returning things on time.  
  
AF: *chattering* I t-t-t-traded-ed-ed it for a jetpower-er-er-ed-ed one. * Moebius can be heard tittering in the background, as well as the electric buzz and screams as Raziel "accidentally" hits the buzzer, wash, rinse, and repeat*  
  
Raziel: Aren't you too old to believe in Santa?  
  
AF: Not-t-t-t aft-t-t-ter-er that-at-at one Ch Ch-Ch-Christmas-s-s-s where- re Chipy decided-ed she didn't believe in-in-in him and got no-o-o-o presents-s-s-s and-d-d-d I did-d-d b-b-b-because I d-d-d-did.  
  
Raziel: *moved to pity* Here. * drapes his clan banner around AF* I feel so naked. * Moebius obviously hasn't learned it's not wise to breathe, let alone laugh when Raziel has the buzzer*  
  
Moebius: IIEEEEEEEEEEEE! * the rubber ball on his nose lights up*  
  
* and so Raziel climbs into the sleigh and snaps Moebius on the butt with a whip that he found in a conveniently located built-in whip holder.*  
  
Moebius: Isn't there some way we could talk about this?! * Raziel whips him again* Ahhhhh! Hey! I'm going, I'm going! * starts running, Raziel whips him again* Ouch! Stop whipping me!  
  
I'm not gonna bore you with the incredibly long sleigh ride, so the story skips to the past with the town with the unpronounceable name and to the ledge outside of Janos's aerie  
  
* they leave the sleigh behind and go stand on the lowest ledge around the frozen lake (you know the one) all that is, except for AF. She's still in the sleigh with a Laptop (It's my ficcy so I can have one even though I don't. So there!) with visions of eBay and Raziel's cowl dancing in her head*  
  
Raziel: * staring up at the balcony* Now how are we going to get up there without making all those pathways?  
  
Moebius: * red rubber nose blinking* But you need those pathways to get up there. Neither of you can fly. * snickers as he thinks of moving Janos's first death up several centuries*  
  
Raziel: * smacks him up side the head* I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to AF. Hey AF, are you feeling better? * no response* AF? * silence* Anima Flamma? * some where in the distance a cricket chirps, and Raziel makes a mental note to buy bug spray* HEY ANIMA FLAMMA! * unnoticed, Moebius tries to sneak off*  
  
AF: * thinking: "Raziel fangirls + eBay + Raziel's cowl = happy Raziel fangirl, empty bank, and happy rich me!"* What? * hits the refresh button and smirks at the price raise*  
  
Raziel: How are we suppose to get up there?! And where do you think your going?! * hits Moebius's zap button*  
  
Moebius: Owwwwww! I ... I was just going to ... suggest a game. Yeah, suggest a game! You know, sometimes people think to much about something, and they can't see the solution right in front of their ...er, face. *Raziel bushes and grabs his cowl back*  
  
AF: * glaring at Raziel and starts to shiver* You must have learned that from observation. * Moebius looks injured*  
  
Raziel: How about the hokey pokey?  
  
Moebius: I love that game!  
  
* AF death glares both of them, and it is so cold that the death glare freezes in mid air*  
  
Moebius: Epp. * tries to run away and Raziel jams the remote's button* IIEEEEEEEE! *AF grins*  
  
Raziel: Are you feeling better, you sadist? * Moebius is twitching uncontrollably in the background*  
  
AF: * bigger grin* Don't tell me you didn't want to do that.  
  
Raziel: * blissful* That was one of the best moments ... gagh! I'm gonna turn into a sadist like you! * throws the remote on the ground where it breaks*  
  
AF: * irritated* Why'd you do that? He was beginning to turn a very interesting color!  
  
Raziel: Just one game? Please? * glowing puppy eyes*  
  
* and so the un-likely group found themselves doing the hokey pokey on a ledge outside of the ancient vampire's aerie in the coldest year ever in Nosgoth*  
  
All: ... and you put your right foot out, and shake it all about, and that's what it's all about! * perform the above actions (sections of the song have been omitted because the authoress can't remember the complete words. Raziel: Or chooses not to! *AF thwacks him, yet again*)*  
  
Moebius: * sees a golden opportunity to upset Raziel* One more time! * no objections from the others; this is Raziel's favorite game and AF is (surprisingly) enjoying herself (Raziel: Told ya you'd like it!)* ... You stick your tongue out, ...uh, you stitch your tongue out more, and wave it about, and that's what it's about! *Raziel is sulking because he doesn't have the tongue required for the job*  
  
(Raziel: Careful AF. You're getting a little smutty. * the authoress chooses to ignore the muse and the ficcy will continue on its pre-ordained track, filth and all*)  
  
Raziel: *thinks of a way to leave Moebius out (kinda hard with all those missing organs)* ... You put your wings out, and shake them all about and ... * the reader can now see the folly of AF and Raziel standing with in arms reach of each other, can't you?* My wings!  
  
AF: Your wings?! What about mine?! * Moebius collapses in a fit of laughter and falls off the edge* LET GO! * tugs hard and they both fly over the edge, abet not the kind of flying they came all this way to learn. Unfortunately, they land on an angular and pointed object. Fortunately it was Moebius*  
  
Moebius: AAHHHHH! You just threw my back out of alignment!  
  
Raziel: Goody.  
  
*they get up, well everyone but Moebius; he's still trying to fix his back and looks like a half squashed bug, and look up at the balcony that seems higher and even more impregnable than before*  
  
AF: I know how to get up there!  
  
Raziel: /Really?\ How? * instead of answering, AF tries to whistle and fails for the 934,579,281th time* I don't believe you can't whistle! * bad accent* All you gotta do is put your lips together and blow. * drops the bad accent which breaks thru the ice and destroys the assurance of future fish generations by ... why don't you use your imagination for this one?*  
  
Moebius: * just got up and falls back down laughing* How do you know how to whistle? You only have half a face!  
  
AF: *looks at Raziel* /You\ broke the remote. * goes over and repeatedly smacks Moebius in hopes to make him stop laughing and is as successful as a Dumahim swim team *  
  
Raziel: I can too whistle! * whistles VERY loudly, and a familiar possessed object comes flying in and thwacks Moebius*  
  
AF: My squirt gun! ^_^ * grabs the squirt gun and squeezes the trigger at the balcony, and the water that comes out freezes into a thin bridge not fit for cowards, or even people with courage. Only the totally insane would dare tread this bridge and blah, blah, blah, and so on and so on. You get the idea* Come on guys! * grabs Raziel and Moebius by their respective cowl/hood and trots up the bridge with no qualms*  
  
at the top  
  
* Raziel collapses on the floor (those last moments where the bridge started to collapse were just too much!), AF is now sitting right next to the fire after being hauled out of it by an irritated muse for far too many times, and Moebius is trying to merge with the floor to avoid being seen. Janos and Vorador just happen to be playing a game of chess*  
  
Raziel: Hey Janos.  
  
Janos: ... Raziel?  
  
Raziel: I know I'm early, but this doesn't count. See, this girl ...  
  
Vorador: *gets up from his chair* You need love help? You should have come to me.  
  
Raziel: No! Especially not that girl! *shudders* She's just too insane and sadistic for me! *points at AF's back*  
  
Vorador: * seeing only the back of a female he hasn't laid, he gets ready to pounce* Then why didn't you say so? The poor lonely thing! *phony sexy voice* Com'er sweetie, and papa Vorty will make it all better! * AF turns around* Hey! I know you. Didn't you say something about you being underage? * AF nods rapidly* Too bad, maybe later. Anyone for some apple pie? * without waiting for an answer, Vorador turns and heads off, presumably toward the kitchen*  
  
AF: Janos, we came you because you're the only one who could help us! * glomps Janos and pets his wings*  
  
Janos: * blink* What do you need help with?  
  
Raziel: * trying to pry off the authoress* AF decided she would like to learn how to fly, and so would I.  
  
Janos: I would be happy to help! Now come to the ledge, so we can get started. * walks over with AF still glomped to him and purring* Now spread your wings just so... *demonstrates, knocking AF on her butt. After a few seconds, Raziel and AF copy him* Raziel, raise your right wing a little more. AF, relax. You won't fly far if your wings are as stiff as metal plates. Good, good. *walks behind Raziel* Ready?  
  
Raziel: Yes, sir. * and without further ado, Janos shoves Raziel off the edge. Surprising enough, Raziel flies ... at least until his forward motion slowed.* AHHHHH! *plummets out of sight, then reappears moments later, beating his wings and tinged pale blue*  
  
Janos: *claps* Very good! Now your turn, young lady. * Raziel lands next to them and smirks (he /could\ be smirking, it's kind of hard to tell *Raziel thwacks AF*) as Janos stands behind a comatosely calm AF* Relax your wings, you won't get very far if you continue to act as if they are sheet metal.  
  
AF: * eyes wide* ... metal wings ... as in airplanes?! I changed my mind! I don't want to fly! * her wings dissolve into thin air as she dives behind Raziel*  
  
Vorador: * comes back in just in time to hear the above comment. He whispers to Janos* What's an airplane? * Janos shrugs* Do they ...*waves his fork at Moebius and Raziel* know what it is? * the question is answered by the blank looks AF is getting*  
  
Moebius: * decides to mess with AF's mind and is laughing so hard he can barely breathe* AF! There's an airplane behind you! * AF squeaks and tries to hide under Raziel*  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ // below is not for the little kiddies to read. If you are one, just skip it. Raziel: Admit it. This is just mild filth!\\  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
( how did I know you were going to ignore me? *gasp* I'm psychic! Raziel: No, just psycho)  
  
Raziel: * glares at Moebius* Motherf*cker.  
  
Moebius: * gasp* How did you know?!  
  
AF: Bad image! Bad image! * sits in a corner and starts twitching*  
  
Vorador: * drops his pie on what was a nice clean floor* You too? *Janos blushes*  
  
Raziel: Too much information!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ // You may now resume reading if you were one of the readers who skipped to here. And I applauded your innocence *cough*wuss* cough*\\  
  
AF: * cuts off whatever the others were going to say while rocking back and forth in her corner* The world is going black. We're all doomed. The world is being eaten by darkness and pink fluffy bunnies. We are /so\ screwed. *lo and behold, the world actually appears to be melting*  
  
Raziel: * runs over to her* AF, look! I'm putting the SR2 disk in, the TV's on, and the remote and controller are right next to you! Snap out of it! * feigns putting a pretend game disk in an equally imaginary PS2*  
  
* the world stops melting as AF's eyes glaze over and she holds a non- existent controller. Raziel sighs in relief as she starts humming the main song at the loading screen. As he turns to the others, they stare in shock*  
  
Moebius: You saved us!  
  
Janos: You truly are a savior!  
  
Vorador: I guess I was wrong ... or am ... or will be. * smacks Moebius* Infernal time streaming.  
  
Raziel: *eyes crinkle* I'm sure that's not what I'm suppose to save you from.  
  
and so they settle down for a nice card game  
  
Janos: * looking over in concern at AF* Are you sure she's all right? * stares in shock as she emits a very evil laugh, then continues with the Overland music*  
  
Raziel: * uses the opportunity to add a couple Aces to his hand* She's fine, don't worry. She does this all the time in her classes. Oh, look! I guess I win this hand.  
  
Vorador: Isn't there suppose to be at least a controller or something?  
  
Moebius: * flinches at yet another evil laugh* Too creepy.  
  
AF: * bounces to her feet* I'll save you Janos!  
  
All: AAHHHHHHH! * they are now playing 52 pickup*  
  
AF: * grabs Moebius and hauls him to the fire forge* But first get me some fire! * throws Moebius into one of the pillars, where he splats to the ground* Is he dead?  
  
Moebius: * stagers to his feet* Why can't you do it yourself?!  
  
AF: Fire!  
  
* grumbling, Moebius grabs and lights a torch, then turns back. Un-noticed by him, the room begins to fill with blood. As he teleports to the top, AF turns and runs back to the other room*  
  
Moebius: * runs after her* Hey! Where are you going?! Glub! * careless of Moebius to forget about that little bug* Glub glub glubber?!  
  
AF: * gesturing at the flooded room* How do you like my art project? I especially like the way the crimson is offset by the ash and purple. * takes the required pictures for her Photography class*  
  
Raziel: Beautiful. * whips a tear away, as outside there is a rain of fire (^____^ (* Raziel thwacks AF*) )*  
  
Vorador: Tasty. * sticks a claw in and licks it clean, wash, rinse, repeat*  
  
Janos: Why do you need to do an art project?  
  
AF: * sobbing onto Janos's shoulder* For school. You wouldn't believe what kind of torture they put us through! It's just awful!  
  
Janos: * pats her gently on the back and tolerates the damp tears* There, there. Don't you worry. I'll fix it. * mentally calling to mind the location of the nearest town and their respective school's burning temperature*  
  
Raziel: * grabs AF's hand* Bye,Janos!It'sbeenniceseeingyoubutwereallymustbegoing! * teleports out of there before AF can give Janos another good deed to do*  
  
AF: What'd you do that for? I didn't tell him about ...  
  
Raziel: * SIGH* Never mind. Remember you have to update your other stories now. * Af /pretends\ to wipe her nose, then Raziel's cowl with her hand. Disgusted, he tosses it to her and she pulls out a Laptop*  
  
AF: * distracted with renewing the eBay auction* What are we giving the nice reviewers? * Raziel is wearing an identical cowl due to a plot hole*  
  
Raziel: * looks into a small bag and pulls out a full sized flame thrower* Hmn, just some of the mass destructive fire related things in this bag.  
  
AF: Okay... Hey! Those are mine! * chases Raziel as he flies out of reach*  
  
Raziel: * as he flies past the review box with his eyes crinkled* Just remember, for each review you can get one of these highly volatile things from the bag. * as his wings revert to their pre-ficcy floppy-ness, he collapses on a cricket* 


	6. What Rank!

Written in sleep deprivation, posted in sugar-induced insanity.  
  
Ever wonder what your rank would be if Blood Omen were real? Don't feel like loading the game up just to see what your standing is? Then take this quiz! Have fun!  
  
*whimper* Please don't freeze my account admin people. It's not a list!  
  
...  
  
Before I forget, Shout outs to:  
  
VladimirsAngel - I /like\ him blue! 'sides he needs his ego to be kept in check. The bad word caught me off guard too - He almost caused the collapse of the ficcy!  
  
Light in the dark places - Glad to see someone missed me! It's not so bad now that my research paper is done. It IS possible to write a 13 page paper at 11:00 pm the night its due.  
  
Angel-chan - I'm NOT treating him bad! I'm treating Moebutt bad. There's a big difference. Though you just made his ego grow again ... it rivals Kain's in size now.  
  
Sarryn - ^____^ I hope I got you the next chapter before you started going through withdrawal!  
  
******************************************************  
  
1) What is your favorite armor and weapon combo?  
  
(a) Soul Reaver and Wraith Armor. "Look at the pretty lights!"  
  
(b) Iron Sword and Bone Armor. "Protection from all those nasty undead crawling around the dungeons. The sword's good for hacking apart barrels."  
  
(c) Flesh Armor and Havoc & Malice. "Free drinks while you chop your foes into bite size pieces."  
  
(d) Flame Sword. Don't care about the armor. "BURN EVERYTHING!!!"  
  
(e) Spiked Mace and Chaos Armor. "Awwww, you just hurt yourself. Let me help! * thwack* There, all better!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
2) You come across a prisoner. He yells, "Oh please, help me kind sir!" You:  
  
(a) *walk up and press the action button, and the man promptly dies* "Why does that happen every time?! I just wanted to help!"  
  
(b) "Awwww, you poor thing!" *walks away*  
  
(c) "Is that the diner bell I hear?"  
  
(d) *humming* "POP! Goes the human!" *throw item of mass destruction ((Flay))*  
  
(e) *twitch* GGRRRRR! *go berserk* Muhahahaha!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
3) Your favorite part about being a Vampire is:  
  
(a) There's a good part? ... Aside from being not dead.  
  
(b) "I get to find all these neat secrets!"  
  
(c) "Blood! Blood Glorious blood!"  
  
(d) * to the tune of the dreaded Barney song* "I Flay you, you've been Flayed, Let's all line up and throw Implodes!" ((horrible parody, I know * hangs head in shame*))  
  
(e) "It's ALL good!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
4) Encountering a human, you yell your battle cry:  
  
(a) "Death to the mortals!"  
  
(b) "I'm going to hit you with my pointy metal bar!"  
  
(c) "Die cattle! It's time to thin the herd!"  
  
(d) "Eat Flay!!!"  
  
(e) Two words, they both start with 'v'  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
5) Your favorite form is:  
  
(a) Wolf. "Wolves are cool. And fast!  
  
(b) Bat. "Go from one locale to another fast."  
  
(c) Wolf. "Rip out his throat!"  
  
(d) Bat. "Onward and upward to new victims!"  
  
(e) Later Mist form. "Peek-a-Boo!" *slaughters helpless victim*  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
6) Your favorite spell is:  
  
(a) Sanctuary. "Run away, run away!"  
  
(b) Light. "I can see ALL the secrets."  
  
(c) Blood Shower. "La la la la la la la!"  
  
(d) Energy Bolt. "Not as good as Flay, but still entertaining."  
  
(e) Lightning. "One night I'm gonna figure out how to control this thing. 'til then, practice, practice, practice. Don't laugh! * ZAP*  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
7) Your thoughts on the Heart of Darkness:  
  
(a) "I'm saved! Again."  
  
(b) "Just how many hearts did this guy have?"  
  
(c) "Not bad. It needs a little catsup."  
  
(d) "Can't maim. Can't kill. Almost worthless."  
  
(e) "I know what blue boy did last winter."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
8) Strolling through Dark Eden, you say:  
  
(a) "Monsters!" * run away* "Agh! I've been poisoned!"  
  
(b) "Ewwww! Green blood. Hmmm, are there any secrets around here?"  
  
(c) "Yum. Lime flavored."  
  
(d) "Hehehe. New targets."  
  
(e) * equip Anti-toxin* Bring it on!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
9) Spirit forges:  
  
(a) *shocked* "It took my blood!"  
  
(b) "Ugly, tacky places. I only go there for the secrets."  
  
(c) "Empties the vial so I can fill it back up!"  
  
(d) "All right! 99 flays at once! SWEET!!!"  
  
(e) "Why waste my blood when others will do better?" *smirk as screams are heard in the back round* "And it's so much more rewarding."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
10) The City of Snakes is:  
  
(a) "... um, what?"  
  
(b) "Oh, oh! I've been there!"  
  
(c) "Werewolf and demon are two flavors that will NEVER make it to the Value Meal." ((I don't own that either, so don't sue))  
  
(d) "Great place to stock up!"  
  
(e) "You mean Squidville, right? I'm surprised Moebius * twitch* kill* twitch* wasn't there."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
11) Secrets 97, 99, and 100 are:  
  
(a) "What are you talking about?"  
  
(b) "Worth the 6 hour wait!"  
  
(c) "Why do I need those? You can't suck blood from a puddle or a skeleton."  
  
(d) "I have plenty of those... but you can never have to much."  
  
(e) "Good thing there are plenty of cattle to keep me occupied."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
12) The Big Battle:  
  
(a) "I'm getting out of here!" * casts repel*  
  
(b) "Onto the next area! I've got to explore further!"  
  
(c) "I don't feel so good. I think I ate to much."  
  
(d) *sob* "I'm running out of flays!"  
  
(e) "Great place to waste hours away!" *goes back to slaughtering both sides*  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
13) Moebius:  
  
(a) "Must be misunderstood. He needs a hug."  
  
(b) "Perverted old geezer!"  
  
(c) "Not even if I'm dieing of hunger."  
  
(d) "If I use Flay, Implode, and Putrescence all at once ..."  
  
(e) "Super glue ... check. Feathers ... check. Duct tape ... check. Rabid squirrels ... check. Here I come, Moebius!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
That's the end of the quiz. Rank yourself according to the thingy below.  
  
Mostly a's - You're a Whelp! When Dejoule called you a whelp, you weren't /too\ angry because you knew it was true. New to your Undead-hood, you have a lot to learn. Among those oh-so-important lessons are: humans are not your friends ... especially Moebius. In fact, it might be better for your health if you stay far, far away from him. Let the others deal with him. But don't worry; you've got "An Eternity of Midnights"... unless you meet Moebius. Then you'll end up skewered. And not in a good way. ((*sticks out tongue* Take that any way you like it!))  
  
Mostly b's - Your rank is Princess. You specialize in collecting secrets ... and not much else. You live for the "Ahhh" sound your speakers make every time you walk over a card. Unfortunately, your inventory filled up a long time ago. You need to learn to empty it! Go Flay a couple peasants, and Implode some knights. Just remember to stop and smell the blood. We won't tell anyone if you cheat on your diet a little or get blood down your nice white armor.  
  
Mostly c's - Congratulations, Count! The AA was talking about sending a representative to talk to you, but that was the other guy you just ripped the throat out of. You couldn't care less about secrets, or the item cards, so long as you have a steady supply of fast food. You're a very capable Vampire, and the others would like to throw you a party. The only problem is they're worried about your cannibalistic overtures. But the Whelp was feeling sorry for you, and is on their way. Enjoy your gift basket!  
  
Mostly d's - Impressive, you got the rank of Overlord! You are very, very scary. Always ready to lend a helping Flay, you've perfected the art of the Spirit Forges just to keep your inventory full. If you ever get tired of having screaming humans ripped to shreds to feed your Flay fetish, try Princess. The weak Bone Armor doesn't hinder stronger undead, so you can get their 99 Flays, just make sure you don't send Whelp. On second thought, Whelp is helping Count address their drinking problem, but Princess must be glad to get those Flays off their hands.  
  
Mostly e's - You're a genuine Devourer of Worlds! Among a select elite, you have little to fear, and almost everything fears you. Sadistic and cynic, with a fine sense of ironic humor, you are truly a lord of the undead. The untold masses, literally Legions that you have killed! You scoffed when it was said one couldn't stop an army. That "army", or what's left of them, is running back to their cowardly leader. You have only one thing to worry about ... the Crocodile Hunter. Yes, the Crocodile Hunter. Solely because you are rare, he will attempt to capture you and put you in a zoo. If he fails to get the hint you /like\ your native habitat, direct him to what's left of Whelp and Princess. They are far more in-danger-ed than you, and probably less of them left too.  
  
**********************  
  
Please review and tell me what's your rank! I'm a Devourer of Worlds! ((My twisted sense of thinking has finally paid off!))  
  
Maybe if people share their score, I can incorporate it into the next chapter. I can't actually put you in though. When I first started role- playing on-line, my friend yelled at me for even a fleeting mention of it! All those caps!!! Suffice to say, I'm unable to control anyone else's character.  
  
Just click on the little box. Yes, the one down there, the pretty little box that says "Review!" 


	7. Cooking with Peeps!

I'm baacckkkkkkk!!!  
  
Raziel: * looks at the chapter title* A /seasonal\ chapter. Oh joy.  
  
AF: No shout outs for this chapter-  
  
Raziel: * looking at his ...er, claws* She's consumed too many items of sugar to be coherent. Run while you still can!  
  
AF: Now that's just silly.  
  
* the lights brighten, and AF and Raziel can be seen to be in a large kitchen, that just so happens to be in the Sanctuary of the Clans. Raziel is wearing a pink frilly apron belted very small-*  
  
Raziel: * glaring at the pinkness* You hate me, don't you.  
  
AF: * pauses in admiring the stainless steel set of knives* You know, I think I've seen the infomercial of these. Dreadful things, those infomercials. *adds the inventor of infomercials to her list of people who will get IT, forgets about the list completely, then looks at the distraught Raziel* Of course not. You just need some innocent joy in your life. Unlife. Or is that death? * shrugs*  
  
Raziel: * eyes crinkle* Your just mad I won't let you have Kain in your fics, aren't you.  
  
* AF growls, but says nothing. Actions, however, are completely different. Such actions include: attempting to rip off Raziel's head, throwing formerly admired set of knives at Raziel, wincing when the knives missed him completely and skewered yet another random Dumahim, then thwacking Raziel soundly on the head when he collapsed in a fit of laughter, and doing absolutely no damage, other than to her poor hand.*  
  
AF: * glares at the still chuckling blue form at her feet* Let's get started, shall we?  
  
Raziel: A cooking show? You? * laughs harder* Remember what happened last time you tried to create a recipe?  
  
~~~~~~~flashback~~~~~~~~~  
  
*in the very same kitchen*  
  
AF: *stalks in muttering* I refuse to pay that much for chocolate! I'll just make my own! * opens the cupboard and glares at the contents* Milk chocolate has ... * grabs the unsweetened coca* ... coca and ... * opens the fridge and looks for the second ingredient, ignoring bottles filled with an all to obvious red liquid* milk. * pours the milk and unsweetened coca into a pan* Now all that's left is to wait for it to harden. On second thought, I want a milkshake. *wanders out*  
  
* who should come in but the brothers themselves*  
  
All: *see a pan of chocolate ((now hardened))* Mine!  
  
* through a long and very funny fight that the authoress found too long to record, each of the brothers got some. And promptly realized it was unsweetened ((trust me, not good tasting!))*  
  
~~~~~~end flashback~~~~~~~~~  
  
Raziel: * shocked that such a fancy thing such as a flashback has found its way into one of AF's fics* When did we get one of those?  
  
AF: * pats him on the head* As much as I love your voice Razzy-boy, I won't let you lecture me.  
  
Raziel: * sighs* Amazingly, you're still mad. * shakes his head and groans* What are we cooking, o mad chief?  
  
AF: * ecstatic maniacal grin* Peeps.  
  
Raziel: * wrinkles up his forehead* Peeps...?  
  
AF: * nod* Peeps it is then.  
  
Raziel: You don't cook Peeps.  
  
AF: Yes you do.  
  
Raziel: * slight scowl* Peeps are sugar coated marshmallows. How do you cook them?  
  
AF: * grand fanfare* Like so. * pulls out boxes of Peeps and a microwave*  
  
*****RECIPE FOR PEEPS******  
  
* a parent's assistance is nice for all the lifting and carrying required. It's also fun to watch their faces when you tell them your Peeps NEED to be cooked!*  
  
1) Take a box of Peeps  
  
2) Remove 1 Peep from the box  
  
3) Insert into a microwave, WITH A LIGHT SO YOU CAN SEE INSIDE  
  
4) Set microwave foe 1 minute  
  
5) WHILE WATCHING THROUGH WINDOW, start the microwave  
  
6) Enjoy!  
  
******HAVE FUN KIDDIES! ********  
  
AF: There you go! A fun and new way to take pleasure in the prolific spreading of sugar and dyed objects to throw at annoying muses who won't let you have your favorite character in your own fics!!!!!!!!!!! * throws yellow and red eggs at Raziel only to miss and bean a random Dumahim* GGGGGGRRRRRRR!!  
  
Raziel: * long suffering sigh* I already told you. If I let Kain into your fics, you would do whatever he wanted you to do!  
  
AF: ...your point? I want bishie Kain!  
  
Raziel: NO! Go start your new fic!  
  
AF: *walks out of the kitchen while muttering* I want my bishie Kain.  
  
Raziel: Finally, she's gone! Hehehe. I'm gonna cook me a Peep. * grabs a pink Peep chick and sticks it into the microwave. Just as he hits the start button, the power goes out* Great, just great. *wanders out of the kitchen to watch AF start her new fic ((It'll show up... eventually))*  
  
((You have to try the Peep recipe! Truly a recipe worthy of LoK fans! And please go review chapter 4 in the Cursed and the Damned. Please? * throws random sugar products in hopes someone is moved to pity)) 


	8. Razi Speaks

"Hello all you happy readers. Raziel here-" I stared at the script, then at the writer. AF was making motions like she would like me to continue. Either that or she had found a little spider and was beginning to panic. Funny that only the little ones could do that to her.  
  
"Razi, why'd you stop?" the impatiently moving Authoress asked. She paces around me, then back to where she originally was. AF flicked her newly cut hair (she lost over 5 inches), and then pats me on the head. "It's okay if you got stage fright, really." she says with a big grin. I still can't figure out if she likes me in some twisted way, or if she really did feed her shoulder angel to something (probably her shoulder demon).  
  
"I'm wondering why this format." I replied in a bland tone while looking around. Pre-ficcy blankness is scary when compared to the Spectral Realm. ****, it's scary compared to any place. Just imagine that you're surrounded by only white, no color besides the other people, and no visible floor, and the only viable explanation you're still floating and not falling through eternity is an insane fangirl.  
  
AF frowns. "Don't you remember? You wanted to introduce my new muse while I went to set up the party." She summons a door and walks out. (I gotta learn that one!) The door snaps back to where ever it came from, leaving me trapped, but not alone.  
  
I finally look down (whoa, vertigo!). Crouched near where AF was standing is the new muse. He has black hair, red eyes, wears a long red trench coat with a matching wide brimmed hat, and yellow sunglasses. I know standing he towers over me at about seven feet. Considering AF's tastes, of course he's a vampire. I think she snatched this unfortunate being from the anime Hellsing.  
  
"Arucard, are you alright?" I asked. The poor thing looks shell-shocked.  
  
"Hai. I just can't believe..." Arucard replied, coming slightly out of shock. "I just can't believe - That was so wrong..." He shivers.  
  
He must still be in shock from AF's ongoing rp. Who am I kidding, /I'm/ scared. Shounen-ai. I shudder to think of it even now. Not the two of us together, but with her friend's characters. Two of us for ...what, three of them? Arucard gets it easy. He got a one-on-one pairing, but then again, he did the nasty. Twice.  
  
Not to mention the rabid flesh eating squirrels and the trees that continuously fall on me. And in AF's other role play there's just rampant destruction, mostly aimed at the only two sane ones there, including yours truly. I'm beginning to regret her friend ever teaching her to rp.  
  
"Stand up, and look somewhat sane." I instructed Arucard. "On second thought, kneel." Another muse on par with me? I don't think so. As he does so, I activate my twinned soul, the wraith blade. Arucard's glasses reflect the glow and he smirks at the thought of its destructiveness.  
  
"Tell me again, why am I bringing a pyro into the muse ranks? Oh yeah, that insane klepto-pyro-sadistical fangirl will introduce me to duct tape if I don't." I tap both Arucard's shoulders. "By the authority endowed in me by the writer of this fic, I pronounce you to be Muse. Let it be known ad infinitum that the Authoress does not own Hellsing in anyway, save for the DVD and soundtrack she got off eBay." I said while reading the script. Boy, she does ramble on, doesn't she.  
  
Arucard perks up. "That's all?" He dusts off his knees, aside from the fact we're floating in mid-nothingness. I glare at him because he's the newbie and needs to be glared at. Plus I just feel like it.  
  
"Now don't get all cocky just because you've got powers," I warn him. "There's a downside, about teenager size in fact." He doesn't listen as he capers off around. I'm not worried about losing him, I couldn't care less. Just as I relax as much as possible in this place, it collapses. I'm treated to the debatable joy of falling before I can grab my wings.  
  
Arucard lands safely, unfortunately or unfortunately, depending on your view of it. AF promptly attaches herself to him. "Bishie!" she squeals and begins to purr.  
  
"Hai, arigatou." Arucard replies. He pats her head and gently peals her off. Apparently he likes it!  
  
"Do itashimashite!" she replies with another hug. Then she turns on me.  
  
"Razi-sama-chan!" AF then glomp/hugs me. Don't tell anyone, especially AF, but I kinda like being hugged.  
  
"Is there any particular reason you brought us back in midair?" I ask AF crossly while looking around. We're in a sizable room that's been decorated like a birthday party on acid, LCD, LSD, 'shrooms and any other drug you can think of. I stare in amazement and horror at the decorations before looking back at the origin of the chaos.  
  
AF shrugs. "You guy's seemed really quiet. I wanted to make sure you're both still dead." She bounces around, "I invited Kain as guest speaker." I groan. Kain is something this fic does not need. She then waves to the table by a podium. "How do you like them?"  
  
I grunt slightly and wander over. On the table is a set of very pretty plaques commending various Author/esses on taking the Blood Omen quiz. For Red Malachi, The Omega Weapon, Tana, Sonja, and Concept of a demon there's ones that declare their Devourer of Worlds rank. I mentally jot down their names to tell the Crocodile Hunter later. For VladimirsAngel a nice plaque congratulates her on her status of Count. I made sure to attach an AA slip to it - just in case. Light also gets a plaque for being an Overlord. I finally decide to remove the sharp edges when AF rushes over.  
  
"What are you doing?! Those people are my nice reviewers! They encourage me! Why are you trying to offend them?" AF shouts while attempting to correct my potential havoc. Arucard slinks over and pats her shoulder. I glare at him. How dare he side with her?!  
  
AF drops a everlasting coupon for flays on Light's, then adds a spiked mace to each of the DoWs'. A pair of battle-axes appears on VladimirsAngel's plaque. Finally, AF collapses to her knees. "Please o mighty reviewers, hear me! My muse knows naught what he did, for he lacks the warm fuzzy feeling received with each review. He shall learn the error of his ways and shall learn to plead with thee for thy blessed reviews."  
  
Not surprisingly, Arucard cracks up. AF thwacks him on the head. He blinks and looks at me. I look at AF. AF looks at Arucard, then at me very pointedly. Arucard looks at AF. I look at Arucard, then back to AF. We all crack up at the same time, which is how Wise Man Domingo's evil twin found us.  
  
Surprisingly, it doesn't say anything. It just looks very pointedly at AF. It then chants some jiberish, and then vanishes.  
  
Well /that/ was strange. I thought this evil twin was supposed to be, well, evil. I can't see anything evil aside from the normal. AF screams. Nope. Nothing out of the ordinary.  
  
"It's pink!" AF shrieks. "Evil evil foul pink! Nasty!" What? You don't believe this is normal for her?  
  
Arucard looks around the room. "What pink? I don't see any pink." Idiot. I could have told him /that/.  
  
Next to me, AF has dropped to the ground and is convulsing. Actually, it's very entertaining to watch. You should try watching a person who's going insane sometime.  
  
Arucard rolls his eyes. "If you don't do something, I will." he grumbles as he picks up the twitching writer. "You should be nice to her." he growls at me. What is wrong with this guy? He's acting like I'm suppose to be grateful for being a muse. Did I ask for it?! **** NO!!  
  
As Arucard carries AF out of the perfectly un-pink room, I follow. It's more from a lack of anything else to do than actual concern. Alright, so I'm lying! I'm concerned! Are you happy now?! Normally, seeing things isn't part of her dementia. Hearing things is more like her. Something like bad jingles in the morning. (Why are you looking at me? *kicks aside a radio*)  
  
Not surprisingly, nothing is out of the ordinary outside the building. Except for the extremely hostile looking Sarafan standing around waving around torches. And not surprisingly, AF's sister is there leading them. Huh. Either Chipy showed up and is offering the fire as a peace offering (hehe, burnt offerings), or more likely just to taunt her sister.  
  
AF snaps out of her hysteria and runs up to the Sarafan. She grabs one of the torches and lights the building on fire.  
  
"Burn! Burn, burn, moero you ****ing pink building!" AF shouts, while attempting to caper, as the building burns steadily. She then does her evil laugh, in some ways scarier then Kain's. You just don't expect something like that to come out of the mouth of someone like her.  
  
"Argity arg arg arg!" Chipy yells at AF. There's lots of hand waving, and the Sarafan level their weapons at us.  
  
"SnickerdoodlePOP, masochist!" AF yells back. Oh no, It looks like its gonna devolve into a name calling fight again. Yawn.  
  
"Arg, klepto-sadist!"  
  
"GRRR! Klepto-maso-biggoted Sarafan!"  
  
"ARG! Sado-hedonistic-necropheliac!"  
  
"KAIN!" AF squeals. Chipy glares at her, but its obvious that AF's to caught up in whatever fangirls go through whenever their object of affection is mentioned. Chipy then glares at Arucard and me and takes her horde of Sarafan... somewhere.  
  
"Did you call my name?" A voice asks. I turn. Oh no. Not him. Every time he shows up, AF goes into one of her fangirl frenzies. I don't think I have the stomach for it.  
  
"Raziel." Kain says in that voice. He's in his BO2 form. /Great/. Because he's pretty again I feel like sulking. Jerk.  
  
"Kain." I almost-snarl.  
  
"Kain!" That would be none other than the, to use Chipy's words, 'sado- hedonistic-necropheliac'. I like that term. I'll have to remember it. She then turns to an open space that I'll assume contains the readers. "Don't be mad, VladimirsAngel! I got it figured out. You have your bishie Kain, and I'll take mine from 5 seconds after yours. It messes up the time stream like ****, but we both got our bishie Kain!" AF glomps Kain and asks him, "You likey the new story?"  
  
Kain pats her on the head. "I'd like it even more if you would post AND finish it." He looks at me, and then nods to the heap of ash that was the building holding the party. "I'll take it the congratulatory speech is off?"  
  
I just glare at him. Just because V.A. made me let him into the fic doesn't mean I have to talk to that b*stard. I don't even have to be civil to that a******.  
  
Kain turns to Arucard with a raised eyebrow. Arucard gestures at AF. "She flipped out and thought everything went pink, so she burned it down." He frowns. "I thought she liked me..." Wow, he sounds hurt. I guess he really liked the idea of having a fangirl. Freak.  
  
AF purrs as Kain lightly touches her head. I have no idea where she picked that up, but I'm gonna take it as proof she's an abnormal new species. I hear Discovery Channel pays well for tips like that.  
  
"Don't worry, she still loves you, but she loves me even more." Kain sounds smug. "If I leave, then she'll go back to pestering you two, but until then, she's mine." He does his laugh, then throws a ball. AF runs and retrieves it. "See?"  
  
"Arigatou for clearing that up." Arucard looks thoughtful. "Would you like to fight sometime?"  
  
"Sure. It'll be fun." Kain replies. They're a couple of insane vampires. Fighting to the death for the /fun/ of it?!  
  
I scowl at them, then AF. She looks up from where's she's sitting on the ground at Kain's feet. "Nani?" she asks with faux innocence. I have no idea what she said, so I continue to glare, hoping against all reason she'll understand. Shockingly, she gets it. AF summons another door and opens it. On the other side is a plain room with a large TV, VCR, and the mandatory plush couch needed to make the room complete.  
  
"What, pray tell, are you going to force us to watch?" I ask as I walk into the room. The rest of the little insanity troop trounce into the room, leaving the table and the awards, which miraculously survived the fire, behind.  
  
As each of us claim a seat, AF chirps, "Parodies of course!" I have one more look out the door before it slams shut sealing us in this most foul of foul purgatories.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I originally was going for script format, but Razi showed up and, well... I hope I captures at least some of his monologue-ieness.  
  
You're probably wondering about the weird words scattered through out the chapter. No, they're not misspelled (as far as I know); it's Japanese. My friend (the same one who taught me to rp) is patiently teaching me Japanese. ANIME IS AWESOME! Only the sub though, dubbed is bad.  
  
Hai = yes. Arigatou = Thank you. Do itashimashite = Your welcome. Moero (best screamed) = burn. Nani = what. Bishie (short for Bishshounen) = pretty/cute guy.  
  
This is basically my entire vocab. ^^ ;;  
  
Arucard comes from the anime Hellsing. Good anime. Lots of guns and violence. ^______^ However, like Razi said above, I don't own it. Arucard's name can be either Alucard or Arucard, but I think Arucard sounds better, so that's the one I'm using.  
  
Reviews for last chapter will be in the next chapter...  
  
Don't forget to claim your stuff! 


	9. Parodies Galore! Well, kind of

*Here's the seating arrangement, for those who're keeping up with last chapter. Kain is sitting on the left of the couch, Arucard is in the middle, and Raziel is sitting on the right. AF just happens to be sitting at Kain's feet. Aru finally had to sit in the center to keep Razi from trying to rip Kain a new one in the face and having AF bite him in retaliation.*  
  
Razi: *sulking* Are we really going to do this?  
  
AF: Yup! With this chapter, the fic is officially moved into the Parody category.  
  
Aru: Oh! *waves his hand in the air* Can I do it?! Please?!  
  
Razi: *sigh* Go ahead. *thwacks AF* Stop calling me "Razi"! *AF whimpers*  
  
Kain: *thwacks Raziel* Don't hit my fangirl. *AF gives Raziiiiii (( : p)) a big evil grin*  
  
Raziel: O.o Okaayyyyy... I'm gonna leave that alone now... * leans away from the master Vampire and his new "pet"*  
  
Aru: *scowl/pout* STOP IGNORING ME! *silence* Ahem, as I was saying, AF you need to answer those nice reviewers who waited for you to get your act into gear and type this.  
  
AF: *blink*  
  
Wise Man Domingo ~ I found your evil twin. *shudder* I hope my misfortune leads to the capture of that ...thing. *twitch* PINK IS BAD. *clears throat* I hope you like these TWO new chappys!  
  
VladimirsAngel ~ Like I explained in my other chappy, my Kain is 5 seconds after yours. The time stream is scr*wed to the Hylden dimension and back, but we'll let Moebutt deal with that.  
  
Concept of a demon ~ Have fun mercilessly slaughtering those sugared thingys.  
  
Aru: *pats AF on the head* Good! You got them all!  
  
AF: *crying* I only got three!!!  
  
Raziel: *looks interested* Will you give up this senseless charade and stop attempting to write coherent fanfics?  
  
AF: NEVER!  
  
Guys: -_-;;  
  
Raziel: *sigh* Been watching anime again, haven't you.  
  
AF: ^^  
  
Kain: As amusing as this is, how about a parody?  
  
*AF gets up and selects a blue tape from a pile on top of the TV. She puts it in and presses play*  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
*Raziel is practicing before presenting his wings*  
  
Raziel: *running commentary ((Quick, someone shoot it! *thwack* Ow! Razi: . That is /so/ not funny.))* Hmn, I'll have to avoid tripping on those stairs. Don't want to scuff my feet either. Turel's been lax in his chores. I'll have to remind Kain ... later. Don't want my big moment to be over staged by Kain punishing Turel, as entertaining as it is. *gets to the part where he kneels and spreads his wings* Finally, my brothers will /have/ to acknowledge my superiority! *bows his head in mock-submission* And Kain will /have/ to give me the playstation!  
  
*holy music plays ass a shaft of light, directed by some helpful Turelim, shines on a PS2 plugged into the Pillar of Energy*  
  
SR Raziel: *runs in* What the...? Oh, it's this time. *starts muttering about infernal time streamers, then snaps out of it* Let me help you.  
  
Raziel: *at the point where he stands* You look familiar...  
  
SR Raziel: You're holding the wings wrong. Let me help! *runs behind Raziel*  
  
Raziel: No, no! It's perfect! Hey, don't touch those! *too late* Ouch!  
  
SR Raziel: *shocked* Opps.  
  
Kain: *teleports in to play his PS2 before the meeting and sees Raziel standing over Raziel holding Raziel's wing bones* Raziel!  
  
Raziels: Uh oh...  
  
Kain: Look at what you did! This is why you can't have a PS2! Go to your room! Turel, Dumah, get Raziels out of my sight!  
  
*Turel and Dumah cast Raziels out of the Sanctuary*  
  
Raziel: *standing by the Razielim territory entrance* This is all your fault!  
  
SR Raziel: My fault?! If you had just listened to me-  
  
Raziel: Shut up! *takes a swing at SR Raziel and falls into the lake when he dodges* AHHHHH!!! *melts*  
  
SR Raziel: .............$%*^.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Raziel: *glares at AF* Not funny. *everyone else laughs harder*  
  
AF: *nauseatingly cute voice reserved for little animals in danger of being suffocated* ^^ I wove you Razi!  
  
Raziel: *sigh* That's what I'm afraid of. Who picks next? *both Arucard and AF wave their hands. Raziel ignores AF* Go ahead Arucard.  
  
Aru: I'll pick the nice silver one. *pops in the tape*  
  
AF: O_O Wait! *too late for her too*  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
* In an open field, AF and her friends are shooting arrows in gym ((I'm the second best. I can hit the target almost in the center!))*  
  
AF: * looks for teacher* ^.^ *shoots arrow across road into corn field ((the @#$% with rural, our school is surrounded by cornfields! ))*  
  
Friends: O.o  
  
Friend 1: *looks after arrow* Did you really do that?  
  
AF: *grinning manically, shoots arrow after first* Yup.  
  
Friend 2 ((sharing arrows for class)): You lost the arrows!  
  
AF: You lost them first.  
  
Friend 2: True, true. But I got more! ((If this sounds perverted in any way, he is.))  
  
Friend 1: You sent them to arrow heaven!  
  
AF: *sends rest of arrows on one way trip* ^________________^  
  
Friends: O_o  
  
AF: ^_^  
  
Friends: O_O  
  
AF: ^_____^  
  
Friends: @_O  
  
AF: ^_________^  
  
Friends: @_@  
  
AF: ^_________________^  
  
Friends: You're insane!  
  
AF: *shrug and grin* Like I ever denied it.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
AF: *frowns* That doesn't count as a parody. That actually happened.  
  
Raziel: *rolls eyes* Why were your friends shocked?  
  
AF: 'cause at school, I'm the one so quiet they forget I'm there. Or I'll be the quiet one who snaps.  
  
Muses: @_o  
  
Kain: Good fangirl. I'll get you trained up, and then I'll come take over your world.  
  
AF: Sounds good to me. Who do I humiliate next? *both Aru and Razi pretend to be invisible* Hmn, I'll just chose -  
  
Raziel: Red! *looks at horrified Arucard* Gotta love color coding.*pops the blood ((hint-hint)) red tape into the VCR*  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Raziel: *sneaks up on Kain at the Pillars*  
  
Raziel: Kain.  
  
Kain: *jumps* Ahhh!! *falls down, and one foot twitches*  
  
Raziel: Kain? Kain?! *runs over to the Pillar of Energy and uses the jumper cables on Kain*  
  
Kain: *sits up with Raziel's help* What is wrong with you?! You gave me a heart attack!! I'm two millennia old!  
  
Raziel: *looking ashamed* Sorry. Are you alright? *Kain nods* Now prepare to die!  
  
Kain:....  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Kain: *scowl* I'll get you Razi. *pops in a blue tape*  
  
Raziel: *slow motion* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - *collapses due to lack of oxygen*  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Raziel: *where he picks up the Reaver and gets it stuck to his hand ((SR2))* #$$% IT!  
  
Moebius: *pointing* Ha ha!  
  
Malek: *snicker*  
  
Raziel: $^%& %&&# $&&% $^#&*!  
  
*Raziel steps on the blade and pulls his hand free. The Reaver is now stuck to his feet. Raziel struggles with it and the scene turns into a big dust cloud. When the cloud clears, Raziel's hand is stuck to the blade and the hilt... well, let's just say the Reaver is where the first one melted off*  
  
All: X_x  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Raziel: *glares at AF* You are one sick, twisted girl...  
  
Kain: *looks at the giggling writer at his feet* What are you doing?  
  
AF: I'm making you all pretty. Even more bishy than before!!  
  
Guys: @_@ ;;  
  
Raziel: What the...? What have you done?! *looks at his feet and hands. His claws are painted bright red to the main part of his hands. The red clashes against the blue* .;;  
  
Aru: *has blue painted on his boots and gloves in imitation of nails* At least she made mine look ...well...  
  
Raziel: *points a scarlet claw at Aru* Ha! Not even you can say something about her being 'good' and 'helpful' this time!  
  
Kain: But I can. *he has an image of sarafan dieing horribly on his boots. His claws are silver with red tips that look like they've been tipped in blood*  
  
Aru: ^^; She's not being destructive.  
  
*BOOM*  
  
Aru: ^^;;; Never mind.  
  
Kain: *admiring his mural boots* That's my fangirl.  
  
Raziel: *yells outside the room* AF! What have I told you?!  
  
AF: *far away* It wasn't me!  
  
Raziel: Shouldn't you be updating something?!  
  
AF: *comes back into sight covered in soot and chicken feathers* Like what?  
  
Raziel: *looks at stories AF has going* O.o What happened to The Cursed and The Damned?!  
  
AF: ;_; That's what happens when no one reviews  
  
Aru: She was left alone for too long.  
  
Kain: But she got a new story staring me!  
  
Raziel: *falls over laughing* I've seen what she's got planned for that one.  
  
Kain: *ignores Raziel* When will it be up?  
  
Aru: *still looking shocked at his gloves* In maybe a week.  
  
AF: REVIEW! REVIEW!REVIEW!REVIEW!REVIEW!REVIEW!REVIEW!REVIEW! REVIEW!REVIEW!REVIEW!REVIEW!REVIEW!REVIEW!REVIEW!REVIEW!  
  
Raziel: Hey! Arucard never got a parody! *Aru sticks out his tongue* 


End file.
